This is going to be messy

Okay, this post is going to be messy, and mushy and all that fun stuff, so if you want to stop reading, no feelings will be hurt.

First things first, it's official NanoWrimo, wooo! That's National Novel Writing Month for those out of the loop (www.nanowrimo.org). I'm really excited about it, even though you don't get anything more than the satisfaction of accomplishment, it's still worth it.

So, onto messier topics. I've been oogling over relationships lately. It's not good, I'm starting to feel jealous. Tonight I went with a couple to Halloween USA, and they were all concerned with what one another would be wearing and carrying on and such. I want someone to care about what I'm going to be for Halloween. I want someone to eat cheese with. I want to lay in bed next to someone special and laugh about funny shenanigans that happened that day. I don't know what I really want, I'm just in a really weird mood or something. I may need to take a break from thinking about relationships and crap though, I don't want to get to a point of desperation, that's just no good. I want a girlfriend to tell me to take my calendar of the naked chicks playing video games down, and I'm certainly not saying I want to take it down... but I don't know, that stuff to me just feels like they care, in some weird way. Or she gets mad because I had lunch without her, and she's mad because she wanted to have lunch with me. I know that sounds weird, it feels weird typing it, but all those little things that add up that remind you that someone cares are so wonderful. Crap, now I'm just looking for a girlfriend to fill some happiness gap... I'm like an addict, or worse, maybe I really am becoming one of those desperate people I never wanted to be..... ugh.

It's harder to forget the feelings this time. The first time I met her I really liked her, and I found out recently that she liked me when she first met me as well, as in like "more than a friend" kind of way. Then I found out she had a boyfriend, which was a bummer, but there had been a few girls I had liked that had boyfriends, but you just bury your feelings and forget about them. It's also really easy to move on if the boyfriend is cool. If you can see that they're both happy, who would want to come between that. Recently though she made some comments to me. Well.... blah.... I know what the right answer is, I know what I need to do... but it's taking longer this time to bury my feelings, all in good time, or bad time, however you want to look at it.

School, more than ever, feels like a tremendous waste of time. It's fun because of all the people I get to meet, and all the friends I've made because of school, but once in the actual classroom environment, I feel like I don't belong, like I sneak in and I'm just waiting for them to discover me, the non-member in the club.

Anyways, time to get off the crazy EMO coaster and start writing my novel. See you cats later.