Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Because I can...

Why? Because, that's why.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Waiting to be molded...

I was up pretty late last night... again. I was working on a couple projects (and by projects I mean [insert anything besides work here]), and I wanted to take a break, so I went to the porch. I turned on the porch light and stood outside marveling at fresh blanket of snow covering everyting. I was trying to think about why the sight always made me so happy, then I figured it out. In the early morning, when there's a fresh layer of snow that hasn't been touched by humanity yet, it's like a fresh canvas for the world, like we have the chance as a species to try again, like we get another chance, a world waiting to be molded. What's more comforting than realizing you've got another chance to get it right.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

It's funny, but not really...

Hello blog, here I am again, feeling foolish. I do it to myself, so I don't know if I have a right to be upset about it, but I am. I never learn, and just end up putting myself through the ringer each time. I wonder sometimes if there will ever be... well, hmm, I'm having trouble putting this into the words I want, so I may have to let my thoughts stew a while longer. Maybe someday I'll have someone else to blame for these feelings, but for now, it's just me.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Just A Feeling

Just got back from Udon, and of course it was a welcome break from reality. I was in a great mood right when we got back, but now I feel an uneasiness, like I'm waiting for something to go wrong. Who doesn't love finals?

Sunday, December 2, 2007


If today is a good day, I'm not sure I could take it if it got any better. Today is of course only fitting considering how actually good Friday was. It started off great. Went to the radio station. Was the producer again, which I love, for a couple of reasons, but I really like that I get to bring in all my own transition music, and I really like seeing the guys excited faces when I play, for instance, "Christmas In Hollis" by Run D.M.C.. They also liked the new intro I made for the show, so that made me feel all fuzzy inside. Then I got home. I had a missed call from the moms so I called her back. If you look at the replay in slow motion you can really see where the happy train is derailed. She just had a lot of really heart warming things to say like "I don't feel like I really know you anymore" and "You should really be coming up with a plan" as in a plan for my life. I know she means well, but it's easy to forget sometimes. I don't really want to talk about the rest of the stuff that has happened since that phone call. I always love the week before finals, everything just seems to fall into place. Ugh... it's already 4pm and blah. Spork.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Not to worry

Another early morning. Another restless night. They seem to be coming with a greater and greater frequency. I can feel my self in the daze. I take walks at night to try and clear my head, but I find myself looking up at the sky getting lost in the stars, wishing I knew where my feet were supposed to go next.

This is more than just a problem with my education, but that seems to be where a lot of my confusion festers. I don’t feel a connection to my education. I don’t feel a desire to do well, rather, I want to want to do well. I wish I cared, I wish I felt more upset when I failed a test, or a class. Sometimes the only reason I stay in school is so girls won’t think me a total loser, my parents won’t be embarrassed to update their friends on my life, and employers won’t tell me to seek jobs in something more suitable, like dishwashing, or sweeping up the shit that other, greater people leave behind just so the less fortunate like myself will still have a job.

I just feel so lost right now… maybe if I take a deep enough breath, I will make it to the surface.

Monday, November 26, 2007

What to do?

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I know she's worth waiting for, not like I'm turning down offers left and right. First I think of the last person that I waited for, she was even telling me to wait... and that ended with me feeling shittier than I ever thought I could feel. Should I really focus or get hung up on the negative things in my life? I feel like I've been rejected enough times in my life that I can handle the rejection. It's that other part, being with someone that I don't have much practice at. I don't mean in the bedroom area, I just mean actually being with someone. Some of my friends I always look at as being in relationships and all that stuff, and I want that. Then again, this is not something I want to rush, blah, whatever. I saw this movie "Enchanted" tonight. It was pretty good, it was certainly fun to watch. At the end however I just felt this emptiness, I know that's so EMO, but that's the best way to describe it, or maybe a feeling of longing. Oh well, someday, we'll see what happens. Either something happens or it doesn't, no worries, but the wait will be worth it either way. Who am I kidding.... ;liahg;oihawg;oisad;knoiuihoa, my brain is such a mess right now. Whatever.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Listen All You Mother Fuckers

BAAAAHHHHH! So I'm at Rotten Tomatoes, looking at the reviews for this weeks opening flicks. I was a fan of the "Hitman" videogame, so I've been very interested in the very soon to be released "Hitman" movie. No big surprise, it's getting shitty reviews. I never hold out much hope for the videogame to movie thing. One review though, written by a guy named Tim "Ultra Douche" Ryan from Variety has sent my calm inclusion of everyone's opinions into a tailspin. Here's what Cunt Bag had to say: "A Eurotrashy vidgame knockoff that misses its target by a mile. Numbingly unthrilling as it lurches from one violent encounter to another, the pic's dark roots in an electronic, non-dramatic medium are plain to see." At first glance, it's just a review, but look closer, one line in particular: "the pic's dark roots in an electronic, non-dramatic medium are plain to see." Fuck you mother ass monkey. Videogames are a non-dramatic medium? I think there are a couple million fans crying at the end of Final Fantasy 7 that might beg to differ with your archaic, dusty, unfounded, dinosaur of a jack ass opinion. I don't feel like going into details about why you're the king of the douches, but you're a douche bag, and I hope you realize that you suck monkey nuts.... balls ass beeeotch.

Monday, November 19, 2007

dope dope'ity dope dope dope

This a mash up of The Ghostbusters theme and some song by DMX. Genius.

What the funk?

So I'm in my art class right now. I'm working on a perspective project. Last Wednesday, the prof said it was going to be due in one week, next Monday. Today she said it was due Wednesday. I raised my hand to correct her, she called on me, I reminded her. She looked around the room after my reminder and asked for others to confirm my claims. No one said a damn thing, except for this one stupid kid that I do not like. He pointed out that he would have no problem finishing it by this Wednesday (douche). Anyways, even if I had been lying about the new due date, which I wasn't, people should have been throwing their hands in the air supporting me. Bah! I throw these opportunities into peoples laps, and they don't take it. I simply do not understand.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

A Story

This is a character sketch called "Orange and White Socks." I wrote it based on a character I made up after I saw a girl in Washington D.C. drinking a Pepsi after she brushed her teeth.

"Orange and White Socks"
The girl in the purple cardigan drinks her Pepsi. The carbonation courses between her teeth. It's late, the caffeine will play games with her dreams. Her hair clumps together from the grease and the sweat; she hopes no one notices. She laughs at a joke, forcing herself into the adjacent conversation. She looks happy as the people accept her into the discussion, but inside she cries. She cries because she knows they won't wait for her. She cries because in the morning they will forget who she is. She cries because she tries but knows she's really just alone.

Saturday, November 10, 2007


These are questions that I got off one of my friends blogs. The context was... I don't remember the context under which they were being asked, but they just seemed like great questions, so I'm going to answer them here.

The Questions:
[01] What's the best and worst thing that's happened to you so far in your life?
[02] If the world ended tomorrow, do you think you'd be ready for it?
[03] Name someone you love, and tell me why you love them?
[04] What's the worst thing you've ever done to someone?
[05] Do you trust me?

The Answers:
1a. The best thing that has ever happened to me are my friends. Their insights however similar or different than my own have been the brightest light and the biggest inspiration in my life.
1b. The worst thing thing that has ever happened to me is my anxiety. It has crippled me in situations where others would simply pass it by as just another situation to deal with. Anxiety has made the smallest mounds into the biggest mountains. Once you conquer one mountain there would be three more just as big and just as ominous.

2. If the world ended tomorrow, I would accept it, but no, I would not be ready. I've often considered acceptance of the inevitable and being ready as one and the same without really thinking about it. The end of the world is so ultimately final that one would have no choice but to accept it. To be ready however, is an entirely different story.

3. I love my father. I love him because I know without any doubt in my mind that he wants nothing good for me and would do everything in his power to help me if I needed it. Those are two very "surface" reasons why I love my Dad. Some loves though move beyond words and descriptions, so I really don't feel like I could justice to the feelings I have for either of my parents, family, or friends for that matter. There is a girl, of course, but whether or not what I'm feeling is love or not remains to be seen, I could still be blinded by the light as they say.

4. The worst thing I've ever done to someone was to ignore them when they just needed someone to listen.

5. Whoever you may be, I feel compelled to trust everyone, no matter how many times I made a fool. Whether or not this is a good attitude to have I'm still not sure, in fact I'm leaning towards not good, but oh well.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Strange Days

These are strange days indeed. My confusion about the ladies grows everyday I try to not see them. For one my lady friends, for the most part I've once again buried my feelings for her because they will only get in the way and confuse things, as they usually do. I am still concerned about her, because she's a very good friend of mine, and although I'm too scared or to nervous to take any progressive steps in my life, when it comes to the lives of my friends I'm not afraid to step in and stand up... but I can't say I see it ever getting to that point with this situation. She's a tough cookie. In other lady related news, there's a girl... I like her a lot, and I can't figure out if it's just a friendly liking, or if it's something else. I sort of just met her... sort of. Anyways, I need to watch my footing though, I tend to walk faster than I should, then my head tends to fly over my heals. Who knows how I really feel, well I guess I should... but I'm not sure I do. Why is this such a constant thing for me? There are plenty of single people out there that don't concern themselves with relationships in the least. Aren't there? Well anyways, with this girl it seems like a lot of guys would like her, so in the grand scheme of things where do I really rank? But wait, I'm supposed to be confident, because if there's one thing I've heard from the ladies is that they like guys that are confident. At the same time they like guys who are themselves... a conundrum to say the least. Maybe the trick won't be "being myself" but rather being comfortable with who I am, which would outline the construction of confidence. Maybe the ladies aren't so crazy. But I don't want to force anything. When I like a girl I tend to edit myself way to much and stumble over words and all that... I just need to, ya know, relax. I think if I just take her off my radar of possibilities I will have an easier time just relaxing. I love how I talk about this like anything could ever happen. Damnit, there I go being all whatever again. Ugh, I've said it a million times before and it still means a lot. Relationships are just a big hootinany of shenanigans.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

This is going to be messy

Okay, this post is going to be messy, and mushy and all that fun stuff, so if you want to stop reading, no feelings will be hurt.

First things first, it's official NanoWrimo, wooo! That's National Novel Writing Month for those out of the loop (www.nanowrimo.org). I'm really excited about it, even though you don't get anything more than the satisfaction of accomplishment, it's still worth it.

So, onto messier topics. I've been oogling over relationships lately. It's not good, I'm starting to feel jealous. Tonight I went with a couple to Halloween USA, and they were all concerned with what one another would be wearing and carrying on and such. I want someone to care about what I'm going to be for Halloween. I want someone to eat cheese with. I want to lay in bed next to someone special and laugh about funny shenanigans that happened that day. I don't know what I really want, I'm just in a really weird mood or something. I may need to take a break from thinking about relationships and crap though, I don't want to get to a point of desperation, that's just no good. I want a girlfriend to tell me to take my calendar of the naked chicks playing video games down, and I'm certainly not saying I want to take it down... but I don't know, that stuff to me just feels like they care, in some weird way. Or she gets mad because I had lunch without her, and she's mad because she wanted to have lunch with me. I know that sounds weird, it feels weird typing it, but all those little things that add up that remind you that someone cares are so wonderful. Crap, now I'm just looking for a girlfriend to fill some happiness gap... I'm like an addict, or worse, maybe I really am becoming one of those desperate people I never wanted to be..... ugh.

It's harder to forget the feelings this time. The first time I met her I really liked her, and I found out recently that she liked me when she first met me as well, as in like "more than a friend" kind of way. Then I found out she had a boyfriend, which was a bummer, but there had been a few girls I had liked that had boyfriends, but you just bury your feelings and forget about them. It's also really easy to move on if the boyfriend is cool. If you can see that they're both happy, who would want to come between that. Recently though she made some comments to me. Well.... blah.... I know what the right answer is, I know what I need to do... but it's taking longer this time to bury my feelings, all in good time, or bad time, however you want to look at it.

School, more than ever, feels like a tremendous waste of time. It's fun because of all the people I get to meet, and all the friends I've made because of school, but once in the actual classroom environment, I feel like I don't belong, like I sneak in and I'm just waiting for them to discover me, the non-member in the club.

Anyways, time to get off the crazy EMO coaster and start writing my novel. See you cats later.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Grinding gears with "Grindhouse"

Just as a forward to these thought train, not all the tracks have been laid. This is something I just started thinking about. I didn't see it/them in theaters, so that might change things as well, but I've finally seen the two parts of "Grindhouse": "Death Proof" and "Planet Terror." The first film "Death Proof" is directed and written by Quentin Tarantino, and the second is "Planet Terror" directed and written by Robert Rodriguez. Just as an overall, I felt like "Planet Terror" was the more successful of the two films. Anyways, the more I think about it the less and less I like the duo's revival of "The Grindhouse." My problem is that they did it so fucking literally, "ooh, I know what will be clever, we'll digitally add fake film grain and light spots, ooh, hooray, we're so witty and hilarious, lets go blow each other in the corner." I really don't know why I'm being so bitter about this, but thinking back to it, watching them was such a fluff and fuck experience. It was fun while it lasted... but it was just so on the fucking surface. If you want to talk about fucking amazing B movie, see Evil Dead by Sam Raimi or "Dead Alive" by Peter Jackson, which were both done while both were in relative obscurity, and they were both done when they didn't have big budgets or big support, they just had so much heart (and violence). When I think about Grindhouse, it's two amazing film makers, with lots of money saying "remember what it was like to make movies when we were poor?" "haha, yeah, that was silly, lets do a gimmick on that, tee hee." There's just can't get behind it, it's got character, and charm, but the more I think about it the more manufactured it feels. I realize that this was a big cluster fuck of ideas, but maybe someone will read this and glean what I'm trying to say.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Doesn't it though?

Doesn't it seem a little useless to put "while supplies last" on anything? Isn't that a warning that could literally be put on anything. How about a giant sign on Earth somewhere that says "breathable air, while supplies last."

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Hello internets

Hello internet, I'm not sure if you have parents, I've heard that Al Gore is at least a distant relative, so maybe you understand, parents can be not so awesome sometimes. I'm sure we've all realized eventually that all those times a parent said "you'll appreciate this someday" they were probably right... but at the time, ugh. I just got off the phone with my Dad, wow do I feel like crap. I probably deserved it, and it is sad that even with 100 moments of kindness and understanding, it only takes one moment when the mask slips off and you say something to your kid that really hurts to really tip the scales. I'm sure parents feel the same way about the things us kids can say sometimes. To quote Flight Of The Conchords "it's a fork in the road, but it cuts like a knife."

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The little things

I'm told that "it's the little things in life", now what "it" is I have no idea, and the person that told me kept trying to put a spoon in his nose, but anyways, I finally broke into the top 5000 of The Office trivia on Facebook. Will it impress girls? probably not, in fact it may have a negative effect (maybe I shouldn't be publicly announcing this). Will it get me a job? probably not. Will it fill my belly with delicious fruit pies? I wish, but here's the real question, does it make me feel good? Yes, yes it does, and isn't that what matters?

Haven't seen you in a while

Hello EMO, how's it goin? glad to see you feelings flowin.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Lost in the world of fake realities

I've been trying to write a serial for sometime now and I think I finally have a good idea... I can't be totally sure, I'm going to have to check with my cashew gallery, and all the tin cans that keep getting mad when I drink their insides.... I need some sleep, good night world.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

In other news

I'm really excited right now. I know what you're thinking "But JD, you're classes are teh lame, you spend a lot of your time working at two jobs that don't pay money, also you don't have a paying job, why the funk are you happy?" well I'll tell you, I'm moving, hopefully in the next couple of days... I can't believe so soon, but in my disbelief there is a tremendous amount of excitement and happiness. Now the act of moving itself it's not something to celebrate, not usually anyways, but the people I'm moving in with is the reason I'm so excited. I'm moving in with three of my closest friends and I couldn't be happier about it. As cheesy as it may sound, I look at all the time that I get to spend with my friends like a sunset, as beautiful as it is fleeting. When I get to live with the people that make those sunsets so beautiful, it makes the night last that much longer. Eventually there will be a new day, but for now I'm going to enjoy all the beauty that my friends bring to my life, and soak up as many rays as I can.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

How True

Awesome CAD.


Over at CNN.com they say that Sarah Silverman is taking crap for her Britney Spears jokes. It's been said that celebrities deserve to be left alone... or something like that. Everyone deserves their privacy, and it seems like Spears has been having one thing after another happen to her. I don't know where the line is, or anything like that. I do know that the jokes she told about Spears are incredibly subdued compared to the rest of her material, and it just seems like their are bigger fish to fry, but then again, we as a people seem to fry all the fish. I guess we can't spend all our time being noble and doing what's needed, or at least that's the level of complacency they the popular majority has accepted. I don't know, I feel bad for Spears, but at the same time, their are plenty of child bearing celebrities that manage to stay out of the public eye for the most part. Who knows, life is just a big mess anyways, I have other things to do, or rather other things I should be doing instead of putting my time into analyzing celebrities and the shit they go through. I'd like to end this post with a quote from Silverman's stand up show Jesus is Magic, "if life gives you aids, make lemonaids."

The Suck

If it looks like you're getting sucked in, it smells like you're getting sucked in, and it feels like you're getting sucked in, you're probably getting sucked in. I saw it coming a million miles away and I should have done something about it, I'm not stoked on the way I'm feeling, but at the same time I'm happy that I didn't totally reject it. Who knows, but I've been sucked in, that I know for sure. Welcome to the suck.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Stuck in the middle with... me

I'm tired, I want to go to bed, but I can't cause bed stuff is in the laundry, can't go downstairs to relax, Curt and the new GF are making out. Jay's gone off somewhere, Farmer and Opie are downstairs next to Curt and what's her face I'm sure. If only my imaginary friends hadn't moved to Australia when I was five. That could be some childhood thing too, what kid's imaginary friends leave them for another continent? I should look into this.

Another one in the books

Second band practice of JD and the Fuck People is now over. Went well, didn't have as much time to go crazy as last time, but still productive. It didn't help that I was really tired, or the fact that Jay and Curt were walking around us the whole time we were practicing, no fault of there's, just the time we picked. We've officially got one song, and an album cover, so that's something. So yeah, keep your radio dials tuned in for us, maybe give it a few weeks, but yeah, rawk.

Monday, September 24, 2007


I don't know if I've ever wanted to be so alone, I don't know if I've ever felt so lonely. A lot of things are kind of coming to a head right now, but it's always the things you don't see coming that knock you down. A couple of my friends were in a really bad car accident yesterday. They're all in a band called Oh My God! They've stayed at our house plenty of times while they were on tour, and they were on tour when the crashed. They had just recently played at Scene Metro Space, and Mac's Bar only a couple weeks ago. They were on their way to New York to meet with the guy that books bands for the Conan O'Brien show. They're all still alive, but the keyboard player smashed both his hands and probably won't be able to play again. Two of them are in critical condition in the hospital right now, and the guitar player broke both his legs. God damnit man... fuck... it's just a million and a half fucking things all piling on top of each other in a giant cluster fuck of shit. Here's to you Bish, Iggy, Billy, and Matt, and to a speedy recovery.

Friday, September 21, 2007

It's Friday night...

So it's Friday night, I haven't done anything fun or exciting. It was just like a normal day. There was an especially fun spot earlier in the afternoon, however fleeting it may have been. After that I cleaned, did homework, cooked... wrote some stuff I guess. Blah, I'm going to have to cram a lot into Saturday and Sunday. Oh yeah, tonight I tried making something new, and it ended up being one of the worst meals I've had in a long time.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

"Hey Jude" - The Beatles

Hey, Jude! Don't let her down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember, to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better.

Quite the evening

Yesterday was something. It started very early in the AM coming home from St. Joseph County fair. Got back home, went to class, came home and tried to sleep but stupid roommates were doing whatever they do and I was getting really frustrated. Luckily I had "Wizard's First Rule", which I can read anytime and almost instantly get sucked into the book and away from the rest of my life. To my surprise, and a very pleasant surprise it was, my friends Kate and Heather popped by, originally to give me my bag from the night before and to drop off an apple (Thanks Heather :-D). Anyways, one thing led to another and we ended up getting a generous sampling of a couple different kinds of beer and taking it back to their place. You might be asking yourself "but JD... wasn't that a Tuesday night? did not all three of you have class the next day?" you would be correct in your thinking. All I know is Tuesday might not be the best party night, unless there's some kind of time warp and Tuesday becomes the day preceding Saturday and Sunday. Except for some worrying for my friend I did later that night it was a blast. I've thought about what those "priceless" moments really are. The moments that can't be bought, the moments that go as fast as they had come. Standing in my best friend's kitchen, drinking Dirty Bastard Ale and laughing so hard it hurts. I wouldn't trade those moments for the world. Those moments that keep your head above water, the moments that remind why you wade through all the shit life has to dish out. It's a beautiful thing :-D

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Lets hope it never comes to this

Here's an interesting article...


... so a couple, in a bad marriage both decide to "cheat" on one another by joining an online dating site. They both join the same site, and end up chatting with one another without realizing who either one really is. They end up really liking each other, decide to meat up, and you can imagine their surprise. They end up getting divorced, which sucks I guess, but there's a quote in the story from the husband that got me thinking. The husband said "I still find it hard to believe that Sweetie, who wrote such wonderful things, is actually the same woman I married and who has not said a nice word to me for years." Holy crap is that depressing. He didn't say that she hadn't said anything nice for weeks, or months, he said YEARS! And he stuck around... is that love? or is it a desire for love? or merely a desire for attention? What a strange group we humans are.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

A note

A note to my brother: "GET A ROOM!"

Another update

I'm officially the new intern at AM 730 The Game. Sports radio channel, not exactly my element, but the guys I'm working with are really cool and they know their sports, holy shit do they know sports. I don't know if I'll ever have any air time, but I'm told some of my duties will include getting beer, and answering phones. Some might say "JD, this does not sound exciting" and I would say to them "No, you are wrong."


Saturday, September 15, 2007

Quite the day

Here are the house, everything is quiet now. Today was awesome. Dedric and I jammed for at least 6 hours, got a lot of great stuff recorded... we just might have a band... and a couple songs, so stay tuned for that. At first I was calling us The Detroit Two, but Dedric said he liked JD And The Fuck People more, so I guess that's what we are. I feel a little weird having my name in the title, but it should be awesome no matter what. I'm wicked tired, a little drunk, and I'm ready for bed. I kinda wish people were still at the house, but oh well. Curt is off with this one lady, and Jay is out doing whoever he's doing these days I'm sure. As I said before though, I'm tired, so I guess I'm going to go now. Peace be with you, whoever you may be, and whatever you may be doing.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Blabbity Bloobity

The roomy and I are about to go to a show down at Metro Space Scene Space of the Metro or something... whatever it is called and it should be awesome, I'll do a post about it later. Right now I just need to say that MooseJaw, the place that I've been trying and trying to get a job at is kinda annoying me, and I'll have more to say about that later to, but I have to get going, I just felt the need to blog. Anyways, Kabooooooooom!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

To Be Certain

I had a good day to be sure. I got a lot of reading done, a little bit of story writing. Finished my project in class today, teach really liked it, bonus. My editor at the paper wants me to do a restaurant review which is awesome. I got a big stack of work done so that I wouldn't be kicked out of my sociology class, and I only burned my dinner a little bit. I'm certainly not in a bad mood, I'm actually in a really good mood. I was watching a movie, decided I was falling asleep so I turned off the movie. As soon as I turned off the movie my brain went bananas, like it was waiting for me to stop watching the movie so it could talk to me or something. Either way it's almost 3am and I'm cleaning my room to some good ol' Rob Zombie. Everyone should check out his cover of "Brick House" by the way.

Tee Hee

I wish I was a big time reporter and had to do some story about Russia and crackers, to Vladamir Putin putting on a big party because then the headline for the story could be "Putin on the Ritz."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


It's time for bed.

Monday, September 10, 2007


I've figured out what I want, in terms of like a relationship... thing, or something or other, thanks to a new movie coming out. I want someone to eat cheese with. The movie looks pretty funny and it just happens to be called "I Want Someone To Eat Cheese With" so go check it out, anyways, the indie comedies are usually way better. Eat Cheese With Trailer.

I'm in print!

I'll have more to say about this later since I'm in class right now, but today the review I wrote for "Hard Candy" was published in the LCC Lookout and I'm so happy right now. Of course I'm doing to be a dork and send copies to my family. Tee hee, big stupid grins a plenty for me. Hooray!

WTF Roommates

In my entire history of being a roommate to someone other than my parents I have never once used something that a roommate owned without asking first. My roommates however are not the same way. They eat my food, use my shampoo, use my laundry detergent and they almost never ask. One of my roommates, when I come home from the grocery store, often times will say "woah, I'm gonna have to help you with that" by which he means "I'm going to eat your food, mmmmmmmmmm." I get that you don't have a lot of extra money, neither do I, but at least fucking ask me. The other day I was doing laundry and I was about to add the fabric softener, and I noticed it was all watery... SERIOUSLY?! You cut my fabric softener with water?! You didn't think I would notice?! It just feels like a lack of respect... bah, whatever, I guess I have to choose where I put my energy, and putting it into fighting with my roommates about who used up my fabric softener really isn't worth it at this point, I've got bigger fish to fry.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Here we go again...

Oh cruel world. It's a good thing nobody reads this. Although the lengths at which I document my own tragedy annoys me sometimes, I can only imagine what other people think... I actually know what they think, a couple have told me. I don't know if I'm going through some kind of mid-life crisis or something, but it seems like I should be in some kind of relationship right now. It seems like everyone, and I do mean everyone, that I hang out with has some kind of significant relationship, or is on the cusp of something serious. I want one of those. This is exactly what I was afraid of though. It's a dangerous thing to ever be in a desperate situation, but especially dangerous to be desperate for love. When you're desperate for love you start to blur the lines of what you really want to make those even half way interested fit into your expectations, or if you're already in a relationship you might use your energy burying your frustrations in the "all couples fight" folder and just move on, beating the already dead horse. It's a little unfortunate for me because all the girls I know, all the cool one's anyways are already in relationships or doing that whole "I need to be independent thing", but I must say I really like girls that like the "independent" thing, because that's what I like... but here I am saying I want to be in a relationship... stupid brain. With my second girlfriend Kim, I'll never be sure if I made the right decision. I was feeling a little overwhelmed with the amount of time we were spending together, we were practically living with one another. When I broke up with her, at first, it felt like a big weight had been lifted, like finally getting to the surface and taking a big breath after you'd been drowning in the ocean. I've missed on more than one occasion being with a person the genuinely liked me and wanted to spend time with me, but to be honest with ones self it's important to recognize that a person liking you and wanting to be with you all the time are not strong enough to build a relationship on. I'm really happy for my friend Dedric, he hasn't had a girlfriend for a while, which is no fault of his own, and he's found someone that he's sort of seeing or whatever and she seems pretty cool. My roommate Jay has a fuck buddy person thing, but he's seems to be investing more into the relationship that one would with a regular fuck buddy. I must say ladies, if you heard how he talks about you when you're not around I don't think you'd wanna be with him... well, I don't know, I've noticed some of my lady friends stay in relationships even though the dude treats them like shit, and I guess some girls think it's like a bad boy thing and that's "hot" or something. I guess I'm be a nice guy, and I hear that we finish last, so I'm not holding my breath, but at least I can say that I can last longer, hehe, that's not a very good joke. Sometimes I really hate being the nice guy. I've had girls hang out with me after they break up with their bad boy boyfriends, and they say things like "oh JD, you're such a nice guy, why don't I date guys like you" and I wonder the same god damn thing, and of course I sit their and be nice, then they find another "cool guy." It also sucks when you ask when of your lady friends if they think that other guys would be threatened by you and they just laugh. I guess I just need to be more confident or something... I hear that's kind of important. Whatever, I guess everybody finds somebody eventually... and if they don't they find a hetero life mate and start a magic tiger show in Vegas baby! (be careful about that tiger show though, sometime they maul you, then you die in a hospital a couple days later)

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


I'm so EMO right now it's ridiculous.

All The Kings Horses

I move up and down. Right now I feel lost. Lost in something I don't understand. I can't taste it, I can't see it, I can feel something, but I'm not really sure what I'm feeling. I've been wearing the girlfriend eyes, I seem to be looking, or hoping, or something. I've been telling myself that I don't want a girlfriend for a long time, three or four years now, oddly enough I've had three girlfriends in that time, and at the end of every relationship I've wanted to be in a relationship even less and less. One thing that I've thought of is "what's the common element in all these relationships?" it's me. I don't think there's anything horribly wrong with me. I can tell a few jokes, I love to make other people happy, I feel generous, but maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship. I love my friends, and I love the things we do together. Dating your friends hasn't gone as well as it seemed like it should. You think "we're friends already, she woman, me man, she have vagina, me have penis", and I know it's not all about sex, but it seems like all the relationships I've been in have just turned into friendships with sex... and I don't want that. I love sex, it's a blast, but for me, without meaning behind it, it's just two warm people bumping into each other long enough for one or both parties involved to experience mere moments of fleeting satisfaction. I'm jealous of my friends with the long term relationships. My friends Heather and Andy seem to be made for each other. My brother Paul and my sister in law couldn't be happier. I want that unconditional thing... I don't want to find out my girlfriend's boyfriend is back in town and "he's really changed", or that I have to leave all my friends to date her, or that I'm fundamentally flawed and she's been being nice to me these past couple of months, all situations ending with the relationship. I know my family loves me, and I know my friends love me, and I love all of them... but once, just fucking once, I want someone to hold, and when she says "I love you" it doesn't mean "I love you, for now" or "I'll love you until someone better comes along" or better yet "I"m just telling you I love you so I don't have to let you down and make you feel bad." I loved you.

Monday, September 3, 2007

A Fine Monkey

Oh the places I have gone. I got back a couple of hours ago from a wonderful weekend. I went with my best friends Heather, Andy, and Kate down to Colon, Michigan. I had such a great time getting away from the city and just taking a break from my life. There were jokes and meals a plenty. I managed to pet some horses, and do a couple cart wheels. It's a special thing to be able to have friends that you can burp in front of and 10 minutes later seriously discuss the meaning of it all... I love those guys. I suppose it's back to the grind as usual. Someday I'll get out of whatever this is, but for now I'll enjoy all of it while it lasts, and it's much easier to enjoy it all when you've got friends like mine.