Not to worry

Another early morning. Another restless night. They seem to be coming with a greater and greater frequency. I can feel my self in the daze. I take walks at night to try and clear my head, but I find myself looking up at the sky getting lost in the stars, wishing I knew where my feet were supposed to go next.

This is more than just a problem with my education, but that seems to be where a lot of my confusion festers. I don’t feel a connection to my education. I don’t feel a desire to do well, rather, I want to want to do well. I wish I cared, I wish I felt more upset when I failed a test, or a class. Sometimes the only reason I stay in school is so girls won’t think me a total loser, my parents won’t be embarrassed to update their friends on my life, and employers won’t tell me to seek jobs in something more suitable, like dishwashing, or sweeping up the shit that other, greater people leave behind just so the less fortunate like myself will still have a job.

I just feel so lost right now… maybe if I take a deep enough breath, I will make it to the surface.