Tuesday, September 4, 2007
All The Kings Horses
I move up and down. Right now I feel lost. Lost in something I don't understand. I can't taste it, I can't see it, I can feel something, but I'm not really sure what I'm feeling. I've been wearing the girlfriend eyes, I seem to be looking, or hoping, or something. I've been telling myself that I don't want a girlfriend for a long time, three or four years now, oddly enough I've had three girlfriends in that time, and at the end of every relationship I've wanted to be in a relationship even less and less. One thing that I've thought of is "what's the common element in all these relationships?" it's me. I don't think there's anything horribly wrong with me. I can tell a few jokes, I love to make other people happy, I feel generous, but maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship. I love my friends, and I love the things we do together. Dating your friends hasn't gone as well as it seemed like it should. You think "we're friends already, she woman, me man, she have vagina, me have penis", and I know it's not all about sex, but it seems like all the relationships I've been in have just turned into friendships with sex... and I don't want that. I love sex, it's a blast, but for me, without meaning behind it, it's just two warm people bumping into each other long enough for one or both parties involved to experience mere moments of fleeting satisfaction. I'm jealous of my friends with the long term relationships. My friends Heather and Andy seem to be made for each other. My brother Paul and my sister in law couldn't be happier. I want that unconditional thing... I don't want to find out my girlfriend's boyfriend is back in town and "he's really changed", or that I have to leave all my friends to date her, or that I'm fundamentally flawed and she's been being nice to me these past couple of months, all situations ending with the relationship. I know my family loves me, and I know my friends love me, and I love all of them... but once, just fucking once, I want someone to hold, and when she says "I love you" it doesn't mean "I love you, for now" or "I'll love you until someone better comes along" or better yet "I"m just telling you I love you so I don't have to let you down and make you feel bad." I loved you.