Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Reflections: Ahhhhhhh crap....

I was going through an old blog/journal. First thing I noticed is that I swore, a lot. Second thing is how different I feel, while at the same time, how similar I feel. I think I found the perfect post that sort of sums up my education.

Blog post by me, JD Forslin on Thursday, December 9th 2004 at 3:44am. For a little context, this is just about 6 months after I graduated from high school and I'm almost finished with my first semester at NMU, and anyone who knows me knows how that ended. Also, there are a lot of run on sentences. You have been warned.

3:55a - welcome to the AM
It's late... or early, whatever, I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about how stupid I have been. The whole time this semester whenever I wouldn't do a piece of homework or whatever I would be saying to myself "you'll regret this later, you are SO going to regret this later" and I am, I'm regreting every single time I did something where I said that to myself, I'm regreting everytime that happened in the last FIVE YEARS! What have I made of myself? Do I even know? Not really... top 5 dream jobs: 1. Rich 2. Panda Breeder 3. Film Director 4. Script Writer 5. Archeologist . What am I currently majoring in? Art and Design... what the fuck am I doing there, when I turn in a piece of work and people start telling me what's wrong with it, it's like they are saying my opinion is wrong... if I fucking meet the requirements for the piece, then it should be a fucking A++++, not "well, I think it would have looked better with a big shit stain on it", oh, I didn't realize we were being graded on our taste in color. My History class "Alright class, here is the powerpoint, copy it down word for word as a recite it to you, and no it will not be available online because it is cheating to review and study, and if you are sick... then you are cheating, so eat shit and start copying". My math class "Me make funny joke, me coach for volleyball team, me likey bouncy me likey bouncy". My computer science class "I turned this into you a week early because I was having some trouble with it and I was wondering if you could look it over" techer: "Okay, so what's the problem" JD: "That's why I submitted to you to look at, because I don't know" teacher: "Oh, well I'll take a look at it while I'm stabbing you in the back and pretending to teach" JD: "acctually you already saw it, and you graded it, even though the project isn't due for a fucking week and I was asking for help" teacher: "...." (walks away) ... FYI, that computer science thing I just told you about really did happen to me. I don't care about the grade... well obviously I care somewhat, but I just want to learn this shit, I want to be a fucking smarter person, FOR REAL, not on fucking paper. "JD, you're grades are slipping" NO SHIT, I'm not learning anything "well, that's not my problem, you aren't just exerting yourself, you should study more and research more" "if I have to do all that, WHAT THE FUCK am I paying you for? For you to tell me that my grades are slipping? To make stupid jokes for 10 minutes at the beginning of class? To FUCKING walk away when I ask you for help? To make a joke about my last name sounding like the skin surrounding your tiny dick?! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I'm not here to cause problems, I'm not here to meet new people, I'm not here to go to wild parties, as a matter of fact, the only parties I've ever been to are band parties, I'm not here to impress anyone, I'm here because I want to fucking learn a trade, apply it to real life, make some money, and fucking retire so I can go back to what I was doing before you took all my fucking money". I've never drank alcohol illegally, I've never done any illicit drugs (the illegal ones), I've never been pulled over by a cop, I don't go to parties, I prefer a quiet night at home then going out, I listen to Fleetwood Mac and Frank Sinatra (I also listen to Megadeath, Cradle of Filth, and a bejesus load of other music, so music doesn't count), and look how I turned out, I turned out struggling in college, working at a gas station, and talking to a computer at 4am in my fucking underwear. Was it worth it? I don't have any stories to tell anyone, no cool stories about getting drunk then having sex with the cheerleader, I've never skipped a class, I don't have a ton of drinkin buddies. I stayed straight and narrow all this time, and look where it has gotten me... something is wrong. w00t!

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